Free Advice

I think I’ve entered, as the creative types call it, “My Boring Phase.” Or maybe I’m just putting all my energy into work these days. Or maybe it’s just the slo-mo slog of January.

In any case, I can only rustle up some advice for the people who typed in these the key phrases that brought brought them here.

1. “Brett Michael” and “hair” (or some variation on that): I know you’re curious. I know there are rampant rumors out there that the man is sporting a wig. But first: Shouldn’t we all have a little gratitude that he didn’t go the Axl Rocks the Cornrows route? And secondly: Do you really want to know? Maybe Brett’s hair is our century’s Mona Lisa’s identity. Maybe there should be a little mystery in your life. Spice it up a little.

2. “Adding a companion dog with a beagle”: My beagle was only half-beagle (the other half dachshund), and you know? It turns out she didn’t really want a companion after all. She wanted to eat our food and pee on our rugs and scare our postal carrier by herself. But it all worked out in the end. Also, I hope you’re using the phrase “companion dog” ironically and not to differentiate it from your “show dog” or your “fightin’ dog.” Jesus.

3. “Experiments with Tide to Go and Shout”: Let me know how it works out, okay?

4. “Fussy Party Palate Cleanser”: We need to back up. Why would you even have a fussy party to begin with? Or maybe you attended a fussy party and need something to get the taste of fancy-schmancy out of your mouth? That’s probably it. In that case, I recommend a twelve-pack of Iron City, a can of Pringles, and perhaps some “Ninja Warrior” on the TV. No fussy there.

5. “Gyn. exam” + photos: Move along.

6. “Homemade fake cigar”: I’m just spit-balling here, but if I were in that bind, I might take one of those chocolate-flavored cereal straws and break it in half, then ask around to crafty friends what they’d do next. Good luck.

7. “Internet’s most perfect ass”: Aw, you. Thanks.

8. “Mucinex felt weird”: Don’t blame it on the Mucinex. Your dealer might be spiking your stash. Think about it.

9. “Rabbit eating leather couch”: Hey, I’m like the low-rent version of you! My mutt ate the pillow from the cloth loveseat and the arm rest on the couch! Now, if I see her getting that look in her eye, I either hang out with her or put her in the crate. A few years ago, I saw an infomercial about a polymer you can use to repair leather. You might want to research that. I think it was from that guy who shouts the whole time. The one with the beard.

10. “So don’t just stand there bust a move free”: Free? You want the gender-relations wisdom of Young MC for free? It’s your lucky day.



Or not, depending on how seriously you take the Young MC's wisdom.