Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Part of An Essay I Started That I'm Posting Because I'm Sort of Out of Normal Blog Material at the Moment

Dogs were the only source of anxiety my entire childhood, but they were fucking everywhere.

There were the elderly people next door, on the other side of the grape vines. My aunt called them the gnomes, because they were short and gnarled and grouped not in a man-woman combination, but in a grouping where it was unclear who was married and who was not. In the gnomes' backyard, they kept a pen of dogs in a series of small sheds. They dogs never left the sheds, but you could hear them, barking, howling, generally getting riled up. Lying in bed, I knew when my father got home from work by listening to the commotion in the pens.

On the other side, a retired couple had a large white dog, Fluffy. They once asked me if I'd like to feed Fluffy while they went on vacation. Fluffy was closet growler, it turns out. After one feeding, I took a managerial position and handed the kibble to my dad.

My uncle had an Irish Setter named Casey, a skittish gallumph who always seemed to be dripping lake water. Casey was a solo dog, but I didn't trust him either. He seemed so cowed by my uncle that I could imagine Casey plotting some wild digressions—maybe eating a child—when my uncle wasn't looking.

I claimed, for a long time, that I loved our dog Jake, a Golden Retriever, but my love for Jake was conditional. The condition was that he had to be bone-tired and lying inert on the floor. That was the sort of dog I could get behind. As it was, Jake was young, unneutered, and poorly exercised. He spent a good amount of time in situations that would make the Dog Whisperer scream—in the basement, for example, or chained to his doghouse out back.

I don't know what was wrong with everybody then. My own parents, now divorced, each own a dog, both of whom are named Daisy, and you can bet your bippy that neither one of them would dream of letting their Daisys sleep outside or swatting them with a newspaper. Mom's Daisy stretches out on her couch, her bed. Dad takes his to work with him.

It was another time, I guess. Back then, people painted their homes the color of rust. No one was tired of novels about middle-aged male professors who sleep with students. An entire generation wore shorts that showed their ass cheeks, and drunk driving was still considered kind of funny.

65 comments:

Veronica June said...

I want to read the rest of that essay!

Laura said...

I like this!

Jody said...

Yes those were different times for dogs! I really like this. I actually have an essay too about my parents' dog, who was a really vicious lhasa apso. Actually it was the third in a series of untrained lhasa-apsos. This essay is unsold. It's apparently too depressing because the ending involves the dog running away while my mother is on her deathbed.

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Julianne said...

We had the perfect dog when I was a child and, like most dogs of the 80's, he had full run of the neighborhood. I asked my Dad recently how to train our new puppy to stay close to us when not on a leash so that we could take him camping with us. His response was, "Let him run free."

"That's illegal Dad."

He threw his hands up in the air and dismissed this absurdity in the same way that he rolls his eyes whenever I strap my kids into their car seats. Very different (and clearly superior)time. For dogs and kids.

jessica said...

You pretty much nailed the time period in that last graf.

Funny thing, in a piece I'm working on, I just changed the type of dog that was common to a neighborhood from Golden Retriever to Irish Setter, because in the late 70s, people of fancitude had Irish Setters. Where are they all now? They were pretty dogs.

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Не для кого не секрет, что экономика Украины в настоящее время находится в кризисе. Не смотря на это, есть специалисты, которые под ширмой государственных служащих работают против государства, которое доверило им занимать высокие должности, оплачивает достойную заработную плату, но …?!
Одним из таких деятелей, является БУСАРЕВ ВЯЧЕСЛАВ ВАЛЕНТИНОВИЧ - председатель налоговой службы АР Крым. Личность, которую можно поставить в пример многим политикам, ведь Вячеслав Бусарев получил старт в карьере государственного служащего когда у власти была Партия Регионов, однако, остался при должности и до настоящего времени, когда Партия Регионов находится в оппозиции, а все почему?! Все очень просто, В.Бусарев работает на свой карман, а не для бюджета Украины, «кормит» вышестоящее руководство ГНА Украины и остается «своим» при любой власти в стране. Перейду к конкретике, подтверждающей все выше изложенное.
Существует такое понятие «налоговая яма», это предприятие, которое создает затратную часть предприятий-контрагентов посредством предоставления им налогового кредита. Проще говоря, помогает предприятиям контрагентам завышать свои затраты, тем самым минимизируя уплату налогов в бюджет, а иногда при миллионных оборотах предприятий сводит уплату налогов в бюджет к нулю. Как Вы понимаете, деятельность таких предприятий должна быть незамедлительно пресечена налоговой службой, но, под непосредственным контролем В.Бусарева на территории АР Крым были созданы и помогали скрывать налоги предприятиям Крыма и некоторых регионов Украины следующие «налоговые ямы»:

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Почему то, при якобы тотальном контроле со стороны налоговой, указанные выше субъекты без проведения проверок перестают работать, а на их месте создаются в один день от трех до пяти подобных предприятий, при чем регистрируются в один день, на одних и тех же лиц, также в один день выдается свидетельство плательщика НДС, при отсутствии расчетных счетов в банках.
Все вышеуказанные предприятия «помогли» своим контрагентам скрыть от налогообложения сотни миллионов гривен, а это бюджетные деньги страны. Соответственно, за «спасибо», т.е. бесплатно, указанные предприятия не существовали бы. Поэтому предприимчивый В.Бусарев обложил данную деятельность «налогом в свой карман», а именно, ставка этого «налога» составила 0,8% от валового оборота деятельности каждого из указанных предприятий, а это в итоге миллионы гривен. Но, как Вы понимаете, без поддержки сверху, такая «деятельность» не существовала бы. Поэтому В.Бусарев должен отдавать некоторую часть денег заместителю ГНА Украины В.Кайзерману, который взамен, за это поддерживает В.Бусарева и ежемесячно либо снижает планы поступления налоговой Крыма в бюджет, либо при угрозе его невыполнения корректирует в сторону уменьшения.
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