Sunday, May 25, 2008

TMI Time

Today, we will be talking about my cycle.

You could set your watch by my cycle, if you had a watch that could somehow be hooked up to the contents of my uterus and if you could convince me to give you my consent. What I’m saying is, thirty days, and Aunt Flo is in the hizzouse.

Except this month. Yesterday, I was in the weird predicament of having no period, yet having a (okay, three) negative pregnancy tests. This hasn’t ever happened to me before. It’s always been one or the other. But two days after beyond the normal cycle, and I figured out what hell would be for me: Not knowing.

This isn’t an unusual occurrence. (I know because I Googled “missed period” and “negative pregnancy test” and got to a 400+ post discussion board where women reported that the same thing happened to them.) And it turns out, it doesn’t really mean one thing or the other—you could be pregnant or you could be not pregnant. Either way.

“You know your body better than anyone else,” some of the women on the discussion board counselled. When I talked to my sister last night, we had a good laugh at that one. Sure, I know my body better than anyone else, but I also know my brain better than anyone else. This brain can easily convince itself that the body has had (variously): meningitis, breast cancer, pancreatitus, a brain tumor. Hey, why not an embryo?

So I just sort of let my imagination run, but on a short leash. If it were a girl, I was thinking maybe Calliope. For a boy, the baby Jesus. Wouldn’t that be horrible for Caleb? Yeah, this is my brother, the baby Jesus. He gets all the attention.

I couldn’t get too carried away, of course. I’ve read far too much about infertility to sink my heart into wanting it. In this body and with this brain, I can’t emotionally afford that kind of yearning. I’ll probably not speak of the maybe baby on the blog again. Aunt Flo finally came this morning, and I mostly felt relief at finally knowing. Thank you, baby Jesus.

7 comments:

Mrs. Romero said...

I remember when I was trying to get pregnant and saying to my friends, "I can't believe I am praying for my period not to come." Spent prior decade praying for the opposite.

Baby Jesus would have been great. But I think Othniel
would be cool cause that was Caleb's younger brother in the Bible.. (don't worry, I googled it. I don't have that kind of Bible knowledge.)

Period Schmeriod.

Hairline Fracture said...

Not knowing sucks. BTW, I have the same sort of brain. Any time I read one of those articles about someone who had a rare disease none of the doctors can identify, I'm halfway convinced I have it by the time I finish the the article.

Beth Hannon Fuller said...

hmmmm....I was thinking Calebina.
Shucks! But I know the relief!

BarbaraCA said...

When that happens to me, and it does, I am hit by the ghost of longing, even though I am done. Infertility leaves traces for a very long time.

Jennifer said...

Hey, thanks for the solidarity.

Caleb actually suggested my sister name her baby Caleb, Jr., before he thought better of it.

Anjali said...

You know, I think, even if you're done having children, it's easier if YOU are the one to decide, not your body.

I'm sure baby jesus would have made an adorable addition to the family, even if he was a little holier than thou.

Jennifer said...

Enough with the walking on water, kiddo--we're paying good money for these swimming lessons.